4 years to live

Fuck, I just had a crazy dream. Once again, I had no idea it wasn’t real, and it went on for about two weeks I think. It starts with a doctor at a house in the country, he tells me my heart is bad, and at first I decide I guess I need to die right there. There were lots of people around, my mom and Seth are the ones I remember. I signed a form to allow them to kill me… Then I thought wait! I went to my mom and said actually, maybe I’ll live until I’m in pain or die naturally, don’t you think? My mom was surprisingly unemotional through it all, in fact, everyone was. She said yeah of course that’s a good idea.  

At this point there were lots of people around. I go outside worried about my lack or drug use and good sex in my life and call out for someone (don’t know who). I found Seth and sat next to him in this corn field contemplating how long I had to live, I new it was either 3 years or 5 years. I asked Seth how long he thought I had to live and he offered 4 years “yeah, that’s what I thought too” I said back though it had never occurred to me. I started crying, and some dharmapalooza people came over (I just had a feeling that these were dharmapalooza peeps) It was one of their birthdays the day before along with Seth’s and one of them had theirs today. Seth was a year younger than me and the other two were successively a year older. I was still crying… 25! I was only going to live to be 25. Fuck. I stopped crying and began thinking of all the things I must do in the next four years. I looked at Seth and thought to myself I wonder if he’d be my best friend for the next four years, just until I died. Then I thought against it. We got up to go and we were in Boulder again, either at the Library or Boulder High, and in the parking lot was a big amphitheater where  people held events and I thought maybe I could hold my funeral there… No, I’ll have it at the Bear Creek amphitheater instead. First there would be a funeral/ party right before I died for me, then another one after I died. Maybe I could have the party at the redfish hmmm…

Lots of things happened but mostly I just remember going to work and hanging out there for no reason, I became this health freak, who wanted to be with people all the time. There was this strange euphoria that I knew when I was going to die, and I was not afraid of anyone. Then I saw Mariel my best friend growing up and I started crying again, I remember knowing I couldn’t have a baby now, and everything went kind of blank so I don’t know how she reacted. It ended with me driving in a car… sort of like the very end of the Six Feet Under series. It was very strange to believe you are going to die in any small amount of time. I woke up with a distinct sense that something had permanently changed in me just a little bit.

Anyway, got to be off…