Schmeow is a cute word for vagina

A poem I wrote.

Beauty sits on a rock half gone
Trying to see beyond the layers through the future
She is about to bathe herself in the mud puddle lake
Not knowing what lies beneath the surface
Ready to dirty herself
She dives in head first
The shallow water absorbs her until it can no more
Beauty is cracked in three places.
Mending herself on the shore
She dies.

Just now I was reading about my life 2003/2004 when I was moving from High school to college. A part of me has grown so much yet I also feel like I haven't changed at all.  perhaps I am right back where I was at this new transition. I try to remember how I delt with the pain or how I should have but my hindsight must be going bad.  Life hurts so much sometimes I want to jab my thumbs into my eye sockets so far  that the eye jelly and my frontal lobe mingle into a gooey delicacy only fit for gremlins and angels.  

Here are some of my creative writings from that time, mayby they can give a better view of who I was then and who I am now. I have other stuff about me from that time, maybe I'll post it later.  I'd write more now but it's easier to look back than into a morror.


Awareness breathes life into my skin, and the energy flows tingling in my limbs. I feel the spirit flowing, rushing around bones, escaping only when freed. I push this life outward, force it from every pore of my vast sensual organ, and flash it through my eyes onto every being I see, rocks and trees I meet, and crouching soles I find.
Today I share and yield. No longer squeezing and holding back, for the pressure that builds destroys my senses and distorts my views, seeing colors, as you would taste water. I cough and scream trying to release this selfish burden, pulling in thick dark tar to try and force it out. But only when I free it can I breathe again. Freedom is hard to find in the suffocating dark, but morning always comes.
Every second I try to feel the morning, the perpetual dawn that rises from each star and moon of existence past and future. There is so much within me, I laugh trying to give more, to wake up turgid sleeping hearts. Sometimes the pain of opening chasms deep within and filling up so full makes me want to explode. I expand into the earth and the cosmos, become the tea I am drinking and the rock I am sitting on, be all that I am. The world is so beautiful today...

Aesthetic lines flood past, the forward movement of my body dances with the breeze. I swim through the cool refreshing air pondering my physical attraction to this wet planet, and how wonderful it is. I haven't felt this alive in so long. The stillness of a large ponderosa catches my eye. It's vast web of limbs and needles are reaching out to me, and the energy calls to me. Casting off my ignorant complacency I listen. No sound comes out as I try to laugh, scream, and cry for joy all at the same time. The stillness often seems sad, but now I can relate, and our connection merges us in a grand union. I feel so vast, free, and present I can even laugh with the chattering squirrel already rich with the understanding of my fresh arousal. As the feeling subsides, the breeze turns to a cold chill. I wonder if someone put something in my tea this morning? My heart starts to sink, but the glow that still resonates all around reminds me of the truth.

Enigma


Copying your every movement one after another
Curiosity consumes my judgment

SO m y s t e r I o U S to me

I eat all the words you say
When you laugh, it blows me away

I just can’t understand how to
Walk talk act like I know how to L I V E

Your eyes can relate
To the sight of a .. lily pad, or a burning moth

Enigma of spIrIt
I wonder can it really be?
Wasting your time sitting across from ME,
I marvel the great deeds you do

But behind teeming smiles questioning looms
You wonder why I’m still here t o o

Second order fucker

Second order fucker
down down down...
is it getting darker in here?

I’m just so sick of it
but how can I be mad?

tell me.

the silence laughs at you too

fucking hurt yourself already
I just won't say a thing
can you hear it?

indulging in pain

pathetic either way

 A poem too soon

A poem too soon
  I lack the knowledge
   for the sight must be wrong
    mental cognitions don't translate to me
   jealousy still burns reaps of inadequacy
  and love doubts

 sickening jokes make me laugh
        but it's okay
 i've been told laughter is good
           somehow maybe I still lack the knowledge
          I know enough for you to make me sick
                 that is why I laugh
 hallucinating threats
   part of the past I still see
  it may be wrong
 lies don't care
 hypocracy pisses me off too
   I never claimed to be a saint 
     I just want you to be

 Spasmodic decay and redemption
 half leaning    almost falling    into black
 clamped   tight in resistance     to the loss

 you want to fight the rains
 burn the tears before they drop
 it is a first order shame    these illogical lies
 you got to be quicker than that

 can't stop
 but it's hard to move
 can't stop

 every day starving
 rotting poison dwells within our bodies
 what rapture,  fucked myself again
  the passion of the whore I am
  I'm standing
  no
   falling
    to my knees
   knots still swollen from walking
 all those years in the wrong direction
 I wander

12 Days left until the sun comes back, it's been a long month, and the crying children sound has become mute.

Darkness is not light but beauty can still be found. Our cherished warmth has cruelly left us as in fidelity broken, shattering our hearts. We no longer trust. The only thing we had, the beating of circulating blood, all could be a lie.

We should blame our selves, but we don't. Not because the darkness won't let us see, but because the freedom burst our uncaring hearts.

The streets are dirty, and waste is all that’s left for us, treasures once buried, a diamond for dirt.

The sun is gone.

She left us on our own, abandoning our pain.

The pain that even god could not face.

12 days left is only a child's waking prayer.

Now we can see that waking darkness is our fate, the sickening light we create, a harsh reminder of all that has been lost.

A traveling wind just feels so good
I don’t know if this is where I should be
how do I know my calling?
could a vision quest release the inner voice?
I have to make a choice
to know myself
so I can penetrate deeply
instead of scathing
hovering around on top
looking down on all of you.
What is this force I let control me?
one minute yearning to breath
but when breath comes
I fight and morn it’s arrival.
I want to purge this felling in my gut
make it numb
I am waiting for tomorrow
yet tomorrow doesn’t exist
like the end of a rainbow
it can’t be found.
I live in this moment eternally
it is my cage.
I know I can exist outside this realm
a place where time is void
I can keep fighting for now
I am so happy
so sad
so full
I don’t lack
passion
energy
or anything,
and I know I know I can.
I can
I just hope I don’t forget that soon
I can’t even remember the last time
when someone told me something important
or real
or not
just something for me.
I have a secret
but everyone already knows

Hardly anyone wants to get to know me and if they do, they get over it
That’s what I really hate, when they get over it.

I am sick,
and real
I don’t feel good and my body tells me
I am so regretful.
Regretful of where I am.
Where am I?
Whose life am I living
not sure it is mine
I guess I'll keep going as a voyeur
but Its fake.
I feel like wood splintering
and burning up
blocking out the sky.
I miss it so blue and bright
especially dark warm rain.
I miss her
because I think she is me
but I fell.
Now I live on but not as she
I'm lost.
Foraging a new path
it might be alright
it is just as good as any
but I want to be there again.
Just so I can stop wandering
while I get run over and over
feeling judged.
I must stop causing this
while I try to make up for it
bleeding myself dry.
I am so happy sometimes
but only for you.

Ah ha, now may be the time,

               yes the time.

take a deep breath and let out a sigh of relief, a loud howl

yes, I in fact

exist.

okay now go. My enlightened mind will tell you what to do.

it annoys me when you try to argue, this is only for enlightened minds to discuss

or for others just to ask questions.

yes, I decide who that is.

okay now go.

I miss just sleeping with some one else

curled up by their side

a tired embrace

waking next to warm breath

do you see where I am going

lonely

yet never alone

I want emptiness and peace

I want people to love

I want myself fully and not at all

this may not be the time..

Trembling cold feels so good
I should wear a coat,
Some shoes, but I won’t
I want to feel full this place where I live
The land not the city which invades my perceptions
Running, feeling the earth and air in unison
Bellowing brilliance undisturbed
Here flowing dusk and damp are everywhere
I notice people kind of scurrying around
As if looking for something
They can’t see you but annoyance radiates
From their thick winter coats and lit rooms
A deep breath fills my cold lungs with love
Soothing my sick head
I want to be out in the fresh air
Air surrounding nature, not this metropolis which dilutes me
I stare up as I walk concrete paths afraid to look or I may fall
Darkening blue floods down reaching for the mountains in the distance
I wish for peace
A day for what this valley was
An uninhabited paradise
Flat hills making way for old giants
No trees or cloudy days brought by naive inhibitors
Anger perturbs, how often I forget
I wish I could show the rest
Pretending I’m a native alone on this hill
Looking miles around and no one in sight
This land may never have that peace again
I dream this erotic scene and keep walking
Numb toes penetrating the thick frosty slush along the road
My skin tightens and expands rising outward
To the cold air it’s a part of but doesn’t believe
When walking into my warm cage I no longer have to survive
I take a break from breath for the other life I deem real
Now crying for loneliness,
Leaving the euphoria of earth behind


A quiet Buddha sipping qi
I fall in love

Living free my witness knows
I count the lives I live at once
Beyond that running shallow table
Deep rocks flood a violent cop
A war of many silent struggles
Fighting eruption from below
And she earth screams
It was not meant for salvation
Blossoming into this worlds devastation
I can not see the future
Violent pleasure from the suns tide
I can’t quite make out who you were
And why we’re so alive
But the end is the same for all
Inherent in the climate cycle
A plainer view shows no more
I can not run from lack of trying
But to understand is relative to asking
Knowing full well your being hollow
I ask weather light is darkness
Yes and no aren’t the answers
Buddha yells like a silent dancer


Enveloped mischief
Sitting alone with your eyes shut
Play not to look around
The stench may be strong
Shattering bones
The sight is worse
Dissolution deceased