What's goin' on with me

So perhaps it is time for a Lindsey update, if not for you, then for myself.

Not much of interest has happened to me of late, though I did attend a breath work seminar through the reputable Integral Institute. It is hard to describe the 2 ½ day experience led by the brilliant and beautiful Sofia Diaz. Her presence was amazing, we seem to have a great mutual appreciation for each other that I would never have expected but brings a smile to my face when ever I see her. In the seminar she has the ability to truly feel what everyone needs at any moment and give it to them with a word, a glance, or a touch. The main event I suppose was the 3 hour breathing exercise we did where you breathe as fast and as deeply as you can the whole time; concurrent breaths that take you to a deeper and more expanse place moment by moment. My partner was brilliant and perfect for me, the music and beats play around you as you go on a wild journey that became for me, more intense and fulfilling than anything I have ever experienced. I have never felt so full of energy, so expansive, or so blissful at any moment; perhaps since the day I was born. From the outside it looked like an exorcism but it felt like having sex with god.

It was amazing, that’s all, but on the way home I got in a car accident and that was kind of the end of that. It wasn’t a bad wreck per se. I got hit by a giant suburban as I was crossing 28th (that’s what you do when the light is green right?), but the kid broad-sided me. Luckily I swerved and he just hit the back corner of my poor little Subaru. The damage cost 2500 to repair and fortunately, the kid had a nice mother willing to write me a check, however, the car is barley worth more than that so I’m not really getting it fixed. All I really need is the bumper reattached and I can just drive it till it falls.

On a more personal note I am having a really hard time, seemingly more treacherous than any I’ve yet to face. I really don’t know what to do with my life working a customer service job at II isn’t a bad thing for now, but what next? I’m a little sick of it, there is more I could do for them than that if I had just a little more ambition. I keep waiting for the happiness to return yet things just get darker and darker.
I am not a very outgoing person and I can deal with situations pretty well as long as I have support, but right now, perhaps in part due to my alienation from my kung fu school, I really only have 2 friends. One is a 35 year old mother just finishing her bachelor’s degree, and I must admit though she is a wonderful and supportive friend who I know would have my back at any moment I needed her, I don’t find her excessively interesting or any deep connection. Our friendship is mostly about her drama.
    Then there is my other friend and roommate, whom I deeply care for and love, even though he has been empirically the worst friend I have known, he is really important to me. At the moment, I don’t think the friendship could have possibly gotten to a worse place, somewhere I was wary of for the last 9 months, yet consistently led myself into. He has a new girl friend now so I’ve sort of been abandoned, I don’t think he really enjoys my time anymore, and who can blame him, he has spent so much time with me over the last year I’d be sick of me too. Tension in a friendship is a reason to escape I suppose. Friends like that don’t come around every day though. This is perhaps the third time in my life my heart has truly been broken, and I foolishly didn’t think a wound could go any deeper, but this one has. I didn’t even know that one could feel this way. This situation is particularly complicated though, it isn’t like I can just go back to the lonesome life, I live with him, though he really only spends every other night or so here, it has become a continuous festering problem that hurts day in and out. I have made so many mistakes digging this hole deeper and deeper, I see no way out; barley a glimmer of light to walk by. My reaction in this situation has been anything but pretty and I feel like I have completely destroyed any graceful path through. I am so mad at myself for thinking I deserved to be mad at him, I realize now that I don't. At times like these I really wish I had anyone to talk to about it, but without him, I have no one. Hence the blog I guess.
    There is just no good place to direct my anger but inwards. I am so mad at myself for creating this, maybe if I had acted idfferently everything would be great now.  I can't believe there is nothing I could have done differently, and it is tearing me apart. The anger festers the hatred and depression, a place I have been before, but brief bouts of medication were my only ways out then, and that is not something I ever want to do again. Perhaps if I can just get past the loneliness and pain, if I can staple my heart back together enough to spark a hope, and lure my old optimism back to me. Maybe I can find the light again. Subtly, spiritually, physically I feel like I’m dying. Perhaps the way to start is working on gaining back my health. Spring is a good time for that, and since I no longer have a best friend to fill my time with, I will slowly gain the motivation to exercise, go back to kung fu, quit smoking and figure out a way to eat that works for me. Perhaps I just need to be an adult, accept I have no one but myself and persevere. I don’t know if my body, mind, or heart is ready but I am strong.

...And if you did actually read this long boring blog, much love. ( :