Some people look at me and choose to see the faults in my
interactions with the world, but you can also choose to see the beauty. One might
see the suffering within me and think how I could be otherwise, but this is who
I am now on a path to embodying fully who I am going to be and already know. Just
see the grace, the strength, and honesty as it seeps from me often without
words and in an awkwardness that might disturb you. Yet with a simple
invocation, I will be there for you in any moment, with open arms, with my eyes.
I will give you my soul if you ask. I will trade it to you for a Mountain Dew
and then give you the beverage to wash it down. I hold great integrity and if you invoke
what is needed through words or a gesture, though it may not be easy for you,
just allow me to hear you, and I will stand up with everything I have. In the day or the
night; at three in the morning through a text message; I will awaken. We may be traveling
to different ends of the globe the next day, but come to my house and I will seduce
you. If you need a Mother a Child, a Lover. Know me if you choose.

So let me tell you about my night because it was beautiful in a way I couldn't have imagined. To start, I wrote a really sad blog post basically listing all the friends that I miss who I haven't seen or spoken to, who moved away, some long ago. I said "I don't have any friends so I sit at home thinking about you". I posted it but immediately set it to private because I didn't want people reading my self pity. Matthew, who works for zaadz, apparently read it in those 30 seconds and this morning wrote me a message asking if I wanted to do something tonight. So we met at NB part and threw the frisbee around for a bit, I really sucked it up though, and my nipples hurt after a while seeing as how I just got them pierced on Thursday. We then went to his house to watch a movie. Forgetting to get my car Matthew posed the problem that he doesn't have time to drive me home because he needs to have sex with his wife tonight so they can have a baby. I had thought she was already pregnant not thinking about it, but apparently they had had a miscarriage. So I was going to take Matt's car home and come over in the morning so he could take me to work. We went in and watched the Pursuit of Happiness. I hadn't seen the movie and it was what I expected a sweet story of a man trying to become what he always new he could be while taking care of his 5 year old son and living on the streets of San Francisco. After the movie Aiako thought our plan was a bit convoluted and told Matt just to take me home. I felt bad because they have been trying for so long to have a baby and Matt seemed stressed about not trying tonight since this is the right time of month. When we got to the car I suggested that he just take me to the Broadway so I can take the Skip home it seemed silly for him to drive all the way to my place since he lives in South Boulder.


I got out and waited for the bus which came shortly. I got on and paid as the bus driver started driving, he didn't seem in a good mood, and I just had time to sit down right behind him. There were only two people on the bus someone in the back I didn't even notice and a man in a wheel chair. Now this man in the chair looked old, older than he probably was, beat up, with crazy white hair that stood out on it's ends mangled and matted. He had a tattered sweatshirt on, one huge boot and no other shoe, he had things hanging off the chair and an old seat belt loosely across his lap. Soon after I got on he started to talk to me. For an instant I became contracted, wary of what would happen on this long voyage home, but I wanted to know what he had to say and hoped he would be understandable and a decent person, so I looked up into his face and smiled. This man was beautiful.

I decided I would be open and try to listen to any wisdom this man had to give me tonight. He stated to talk about my outfit because I looked dressed up I said thank you. He thought it was cold in the bus and said "it must be a nice and warm jacket", I said, "yes, and it's good for the rain" and he said "yeah, all the rain we've been having" and look distressed. At this point we had reached the hill and five students got on, we sat there for a while since they had thought it was free after 6 but of course it was still $1.50 the last one only had an expired cu pass but the bus driver was tired of waiting and let them on. They talked loudly in the bus and I was hoping they would get off soon, though they seemed like nice kids if not a bit dumb and drunk. The man in the wheel chair started talking again telling me that he had just gotten out of the hospital, he told me the police had brought him his wheel chair and he thought it was pretty nice of them, I agreed. He mumbled some other stuff I couldn't understand but then assured me he hadn't been in trouble or anything, he just fell and hurt himself. He told me he spends a lot of time in the hospital. Once we got to pearl street the kids got off, they all wanted transfers but the bus driver said "no, NO transfers" then a beautiful older woman got on and sat across from me only looking forward but I can tell she was aware of what was going on, choosing not to get involved. Then another man wanted to get on, he had a large duffle bag and was really really drunk. He tried to put his bike on the front but couldn't figure it out, the bus driver angrily got up (as the kids out side were yelling about the transfers) and put it on for him taking his money from him. The man was stumbling next to me and made me a bit nervous so I looked ahead and not at him. As soon as we started moving I sense that the guy hadn't sat down yet and I heard a thud as he fell to the floor in the middle of the aisle next to the man in the wheel chair. The bus driver immediately stopped the bus and I instinctively wanted to help him up, but then hesitated in fear. He was a large man and the bus driver, a short fat guy who looked really pissed, got up and said "are you okay"? the guy mumbled something and the driver said "take my hand" and the guy first had to switch the money out of his right hand the driver started pulling and telling him to get up then sort of directed him to his seat with the big duffel on it and he sat on it as the bus driver nearly yelled "now just sit" the guy moved the bag over and sat quietly as we started to go again. I looked over at the man in the wheel chair after he made another comment about how cold it was on the bus then he stopped and paused and sighed before saying "god, I look terrible" I looked at him with sad eyes and smiled and he said " at least my wife doesn't think so. My wife is an amazing woman, she is so wonderful" I looked happy again and told him how nice that was. Then he said something that really struck me as I looked at him pulling at something on his chair, fiddling with the tattered seat belt thing, and he said " ya, I am so lucky, so lucky"

I didn't know what to say. By then we were past pearl street and he asked me where I was getting off I told him Ideal market and he seemed to know where I meant. He said oh yeah, I used to live right over there, I was in the hospital for 2 ½ years. I again smiled looking sad and said well they seem nice there and he agreed. The lovely woman got off at the first stop by north street and he said well isn't that it and I knew it was but I didn't want to get off I didn't want the bus driver to be rude to him, I wanted to help him, make sure he got where he was going, I said, well I think I'll get off at the next one and he said "yeah, I think that's a little closer". So moments later the bus stopped again and I reluctantly got up the man said "you be careful out there now" and I said "ok you take care" than thanked the driver as I left almost immediately tears fell down my face. What I had just witnessed was humanity ugly and beautiful, struggling and tired, still hopeful, still joyful. I miss that man, I hope he is alright, I hope he really does have a beautiful wife, I hope I see him again.

Thanks Matt.