I am really quite upset. I just wanted to write something in memory of one of the most inspiring people I have ever met. Sunday Lance Melting died in a car accident. http://cbs4denver.com/local/interstate.70.accident.2.689717.html

He basically started My Kung Fu school by getting Shifu to start a class 13 years ago. he was an amazing father to 4 young kids his oldest Aaron is turning 13 this Saturday, he shared a Birthday with his father. Lance and his wife are both teachers, he taught special ed in Longmount. I can’t imagine a better teacher, father, husband or person. He inspired me so much and countless others. They were on thier way to Disney Land when a semi jacknifed in the snow killing him instantly, miraculously all of his children were okay and his wife while still in ICU is going to make it. I cant imagine a worse tragedy.

The last time I saw Lance was two weeks ago at the county convention I can still feel his hand on my shoulder...

I hate April...  least favorite month by far. First of all, as I have said, it is a tease. Certainly considered spring, but not in the fuzzy bunny blooming flower kind of way, it is a violent struggle, windy and powerful, pushing in summer while winter holds on. You can die in the violence of the spring. One day it is 80 then the next day we get four inches of snow and this wouldn't be so bad if, first of all, I wasn't utterly sick of the snow, but mostly if this bipolar pattern didn't resonate within me in some kind of emotional hell. I don't really get seasonal affect disorder because once it is winter, I get it, I enjoy it, but this is just chaos. Last April I had a really cruel and violent breakup with my friend, it was one of the worst emotional experiences of my life in a lot of ways. This April has been filled with Lance's death, by far the most difficult loss I have had to deal with... it is really hard to describe to people who didn't know him but he was a true bodhisattva. I finally feel at peace with this and can now look back and smile with the gifts he gave. His smile was special, and he never got angry because he had this expansive patience for all people he met, and he treated all of them with respect. He just never left anyone behind, let no one fall through the cracks. He taught severe needs children in middle school, but his class was not only filled with severely disabled students they gave him any student at that school who needed a Lance, because he was like no other teacher, he knew every child could learn and every child could over come their problems. His humility, compassion and pure passion for life filled us all with strength and that is what was amazing. I have learned so much in the last 7 years and one of those things is the passion for understanding people who seem dumb or wrong, religious people, un-academic people, mean angry people, homeless people, even just generic people. I found it in me to have a desire to understand where they are coming from, to accept and engage in their language, be it about god and accepting Jesus in their life, to telling me they are libertarian ( : Some people's pessimism seems so clearly justifiable and yet I look at Lance and his idealism and I make that same choice, to believe in the potential of all people. Not to hide in individualism or monkdom like many try. I feel reaffirmed in that now, I feel his strength more than ever. He also found his soul mate and like she said she is not an unfortunate woman, their love for one another and their reverent respect for one another was so pervasive in their every interaction. Few find that  and she was blessed. Some might say it was luck, but I know that it wasn't just luck, it was Lance and Jamie, and the way they lived moment to moment; of course they found each other. You can't settle for someone who doesn't respect themselves or others, you can love them and give them support, but long lasting relationships demand respect. You can watch couples for five minuets and know if they are not going to make it, just look for any sign of contempt. Ultimately you have to look up to one another, someone who makes you a better you, just by being themselves. It is beautiful to see. That is another thing about Lance he treated everyone like they were the person they wanted to be, he lead by example and more than telling someone to be a certain way ever can ever effect someone, he inspired those around him to be the best selves they can be. I remember feeling this way on so many occasions. I wish I had more chances to talk to him but I have to let that go now, I still get to know his kids and see them grow into amazing people in the face of everything, because that is what their father taught them.

This is the saddest thing I can remember reading.. Lance's mother after the memorial said "He was a good son, but I didn't realize he was so great." Wow, how sad.  At the memorial the one person who was speaking and just compleatly broke down and couldn't do it, wasn't his wife trying to speak with a new titanium jaw and face, nor his remarkable children, but it was Lance's brother who you could just tell hadn't been as close to his brother as he now wishes. Jamies brother was more of a borhter to Lance his words were the most powerful and inspiring words of the day, sent chills down my spine, He is remarkable ( : 

Show your love to people every day as though it were your last chance.

 

 

Some random thoughts:

I'm leaving in three weeks I am so nervous because I'm not sure it will work out, I don't have enough time, and there is the looming thought of when I get back... I need a job but I only will have a month until burning man and my brother wants me to live with him in Broomfield. He didn't get the house near my good friend and I hate Broomfield and I don't enjoy his girlfriend and I'm not sure how I feel about living in someone else's house. I like my own place... he is already asking me which bedroom I want ) : I hope it all works out. I think it will not sure I believe that thought though!

I think I want to go to UNC. What to study though?

I always eat oatmeal for breakfast, I like hot food. This morning I added a table spoon of chocolate protein powder. I knew it would go one of two ways but it was pretty amazing. ( :

So I was just sitting, watching, a beautiful house on Spruce. It is dark sky blue with brick down the side, a steep roof, and little construction workers (or perhaps big one's that looked little from my spot across the street). I like construction workers, I like the smell of construction sites, and I like the houses.


I was thinking about having a lot of money and that I could buy a huge plot of land with a tiny little house and do construction on it, endlessly. It would be very wasteful which is certainly the down side to this scheme, but it would give a lot of work to people. I could pay well and bring drinks to them and talk to them about their life and work, I could get them to let me help when I felt like it and learn lots of new things. We could be innovative and try out new products or techniques I could let new designers in and let them try their hand at the craft, we could create a beautiful functional, ever growing and changing space, always fresh and renewed, creative and practical. Eventually it would get too big for just me and my dog and cat , so we would start something with all these men and women, perhaps a school for learning the trade, the intricacies of house design from the inside and out.

I love how these workers over there all have a task, they have tape measures and hammers. The sounds are beautiful, but what I like most is their perspective, not of this home, but of this artifact. Climbing in and out of windows up the roof out the doors throwing away debris, bringing in lumber and materials, it is not living quarters to be bought and sold to families. It was something constructed, it can be taken down, changed, built up. It is as such, just land with looming constructs.


Anyway, we could start a school maybe for troubled youth and teach them these trades which take precision, math, honesty, timeliness, strength, creativity, dedication, and skill, in short, everything a person needs in this world. Eventually it would get so big that the school would expand maybe for gifted and troubled youth, either/or, or a combination of both. We'd grow and learn together and build and tear down and demolish and create. By the time I was old maybe just a house would be left, but it would be the best house I can imagine.

I am a fan of Rev. Jeremiah Wright, maybe he is being an ass during Obama's campaign, which is obviously something I care a lot about, but then again Obama can now come out...Wright is wrong and I'm angered and saddened yada yada so maybe we can move on within the campaign, but it also saddens me that this is his stance.

 

Forgetting about Obama for a moment, Rev Wright isn't being particularly inflammatory, he is being a black pastor and sure the AIDs thing is weird, he may have been overbearing and ridiculous and enforcing this caricature of him. However, he is voicing a wound and a division in America that is completely ignored, and then when it comes up there is outrage. This is pretty sad, and reminds us that race and religion are huge areas of division and hatred in this country. How can we as a nation move on to issues of the environment, the economy, heath care, or simply improving the human race, if we ignore the anger of age old wounds and pretend that ignoring them will get rid of them. For a time this has been important, to allow the past to become so, but now it is time to let the past die for the sake of our children. We need to collectively acknowledge and allow the anger to pass through us and to stop picking at old scabs and actually let them heal. It is the leadership, the media, the intellectuals, the educated, the government and the schools that need to start creating change in this way. The country is basically saying sure, we are ready for a black president as long as he doesn't go to a black church or show a black identity, you must be fully “American” to be patriotic. Wrights view isn't fully true, the man comes across quite green, and I don't agree with him on many things, surely my perspective is vastly different, but his is immensely valuable at this time and place.

 

Coming back to Obama, I want him to win and I want him to embrace and acknowledge Rev Wright more than he has today. Obama went to his church for 20 years, and now he's saying this is a different man than the one I knew, this is silly, it is a contradiction. He is being forced, or perhaps in his own heart feels like abandoning this perspective and moving on and that this is the right thing to do, but if he doesn't win the nomination, and it is over this of all things, race relations in this country is going to move backwards or at least be uncovered as the painful state it may already be in. Which would be pretty tragic in my opinion.