Just thought.

My personality is just one of those of deprivation and excess weather it is socializing, partying, drinking, eating, exercise, sleep, reading, writing, energy, spending money, depression, etc. I think it is natural though, I used to desire evenness balance in my life, but this is a different kind of balance. Obviously right now I am going out a lot and kind of having the roommate friend experience with B even though I would be happy just being here and not going out, the number of minds present naturally inspires activity. It seems all I want to do now is be in the world at night, I can;t get to sleep early I want the night sky the humid air which smells of fresh dirt and mist, it is truly glorious. I feel security in watch others as always, and looking at this life here always inspires new direction a new life that is possible a simplicity that can be grasped completely replicated perhaps something one could create if desired. Just that idea puts my mind at ease. How does one reach adulthood when they were left out in the trenches of worryless wonder and carefreeness intended to inspire but which in turn entraps one in confusion and looming pressure to decide to grow up to jump into a life you may not want. It takes a huge leap and unless gripped by passion grandeur confidence and direction then it just seems like a waste. It doesn't have to be like this, but it will work out because I missed a part of life that was important, I missed the reality of lives being lived of how people choose to exist, being normal. There is still joy in doing nothing productive for oneself or their life, but simply engaging in society as an insignificant part. I feel so satisfied in rejecting purpose right now, perhaps this is the wrong decision because before I came I was going in the entirely other direction, but I just want to develop as a human being and let myself out of the “Boulder bubble” it is not a consequence of the town it is something people who live there put themselves in and I am done with it. With that I am just going to live where ever makes sense Broomfield, Denver, Boulder I am going to work somewhere and make new friends and let the throws of excess and deprivation flow over me, let the seasons run through me, be exactly the way I want to be and breath deeply each day.

Here in Canada things are well, maybe I'll try this random sex thing, or try shooting something, we'll see.


<3