Gaia Community: Lindsey's Blog

Questions

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 03:38:10 -0000

I lied in my last blog, I did think about it more, so much more. One interesting thing I learned yesterday is that democrats and republicans both have a place for purity in their moral views but democrats naturally focus it on nutrition and what you put in your mouth rather than what you put in your vagina/ass, well, it isn't that interesting. Ok, I am done for thinking about morality this week.

The question of the day is, is the justice system in place fundamentally to enact retribution? protect individuals? or to protect society? I think it has to be only the latter. Hmmmm

However, I am thinking about creating some routines daily routines are natural and increase happiness. So I need some. I think it will also help productiveness. It is just I don;t have one right now I do things differently every day and night and rarely do people consciously make routines. I kinda wish there was a website where people write down their daily routines and other people can browse them and see how other people live. I'm going to go look because I am optimistic... well apparently only people into Zen think about these kind of things I found a website called Zen To Done efficiency system and it reminded me of when everyone became obsessed and stated groups to talk about the book “Getting things Done” by David Allen and got irritated... so I guess I'll just think about it and create a comprehensive routine system depending on the amount of I time I have. But, if anyone reads this besides the 4 of you who comment, tell me about your daily routines.

RanDommmmnessS

Thu, 18 Sep 2008 03:31:36 -0000

Well I'll write how the horse trip ends another time

are there really people who don;t suffer from depression? i hope they are really really clumsy.

There is a bulldozer right out my window, it excites me.

The people I saw yesterday helped me in a million ways for some reason, not sure how, but they did. I'm feeling heaps optimistic about this new hobby.

I'm thinking about taking out my nipple piercings, I don't why I get these things and then 18 months later I'm sick of them. But I don't know, I feel like I might regret it if I do. I kinda want my tongue thing back now. That I could do again, but I would never get my nipples re-pierced. This is all Corey's fault. Keith told me to pierce my nose and I love that one. Maybe if saw Corey again I wouldn't be so conflicted. Maybe surrendering blindly to someone's will on a personal decision innately bonds them to the choice, anthropomorphically attaching it to the individual. Okay, that's not true at all. Maybe I only surrender choice when I want to surrender consequences and maybe, that is lame.

It's only confusing if you try to understand it... I think I am going to try to apply this to my life I think it will help. I need to stop worrying about silly intellectual things and stop over complicating everything

Stu quote

"Reality has no opposite, How do you even apprehend a reality that has no opposite? Some say reality is an illusion, a dream, others claim it is whatever can be objectively measured and verified, and some say we create reality with our thoughts intentions and wishes, I wish those people were dead.

Religion comes from the Latin religāre which means rejoin or reconnect whatever rejoins us reconnects us is literally religion If love had an opposite it would be Scientology, but it doesn't, no voice no view is the opposite of love"

oh I just had a rant inside of me.... Life really isn't fair, nor should it be. I think that is my biggest disagreement with democrats. Just because we require imposed fairness on our justice system doesn't mean innately, morally, or naturally fairness is a principle that should flow from everything. Physics and biology aren't fair, they may follow laws but nothing about it is fair. Ultimately it is all empty, god don't give a shit if Ivan stole your purse and was never punished and frankly I don't either. Or when you apply fairness to social systems and it just doesn't seem natural for example men and women aren't going to have the same roles in society... ever, because they are different. Democracy isn't the greatest system of gov't ever, it could be the best for a time or could be the downfall of some societies. People today take their rights and "equality" for granted like they are divinely given.

But I'm not going to worry about this, I'm not going to think about it any more.

Have a sweet day, eat a peach because you're a peach. A sick, dirty, fucked up peach, but I like you.

The Horse Trip Part 1

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 20:58:33 -0000

Yay, my daddy wrote me a story from his life, i wish my parents could just write down every detail they remember from their entire lives. Too bad they weren't bloggers.

The horse trip began with some guy who heard that horses were cheap in Bolivia. I am not sure where he heard it maybe he had just watched "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid". Any way he said it would be fun to travel to Bolivia buy some horses in the east and ride them across the mountains to the coast into Peru or Chile. I am not sure why the idea sounded so good but there were 5-6 or six people in the dorm including Jennifer Bates who liked the idea. Every body in the Dorm in Aspen in 1967 were transients. Some were skiers, some were just travelers looking for the next "in" place. Maybe every body had a secret dream to be a cowboy.

Anyway later in the winter the idea had changed to "lets go up to Montana buy some horses and ride them to California." Sounded much better. By summer everyone had backed out and decided to go to Nantucket or Drop City or back home to make some money. Except for me. I loaded up my VW with all the possessions I owned and headed for Montana Summer of 1967. It was a nice time when all I owned fit in a VW. Later at the next move from Central City it would be a pickup truck and a car. Later when I moved from Sandpoint it would be a Chevy Van.

I drove up through Yellowstone in April-very pretty. And went up to Missoula, Montana. There was a riding stable there where I rented some horses and asked about buying a horse for a trip into the Mountains. Somehow while I was there I met a girl who was from my old high school in Fairborn Ohio. She lived in Missoula with her husband who was also very nice and after telling him my plans to buy a horse and ride away, he offered to let me stay in their house. Shannon also mentioned that another friend of mine from Fairborn live nearby. His name was Paul Gordon who was the younger brother of Dow Gorden, who I was friends with in Fairborn. There was a Bar in Missoula called Eddie's Club that my new friend took me down to visit several times on the nights they sold schooners of beer for 25 cents.I kept asking people there about Paul Gorden and if they new where he lived. He was off the highway outside of Missoula and everyone kept saying -- he's not at Donovan Creek is he? the third time I heard this I asked who's at Donovan creek? And got the answer back-- oh someone started a Hippie Commune up there. So immediately I knew thats where he was. So I loaded up my VW and headed for Donovan Creek.

Eddie's Club was a wonderful Montana Bar. If you bought a man a schooner of beer he was obligated to tell you stories about life in Montana- ranching, the railroads until the scooner was empty. If you wanted to hear more you had to buy another schooner kind of like Scheherazade except it only cost another 25 cents. Several men had worked the railroads from Minnesota to Seattle. Knew stories about every section of line, every train wreck and every death, beheading , loss of limb and gory detail for the last 30 years. Old cowboys talked about cattle and rustling and Winnebago's fitted to haul cattle at night. Every story in the world about horses and bucking broncs and rodeos. No one could tell where the facts met the fantasy and after several more schooners no one cared.

So when I entered the gate at Donovan Creek- My story about buying a horse and riding to California became a free pass. Everyone would just stare and say Far Out. Would you like to stay a while. The commune was very nice about 22 people. The main building was a large kitchen and meeting room where every night the women would serve macrobiotic dinners of rice and lentils. The leader was a lady from California who had some money to buy the ranch and had ideas about having a commune which could support itself. So she had also purchased a large room sized Kodak printing , copier, publishing machine. Must have cost a fortune but the idea was to start a publishing business to support the commune. She also wanted to have horses there so I volunteered to clear out the barbed wire that was every where from old fences. I borrowed her pickup truck and some wire cutters and cut the wire into small pieces and bundled them together. After two days I had taken all the wire to the dump. She was real happy and offered to let me keep my horse there after I bought one. The next project was to build a sweat lodge next to Donovan Creek. The ranch had a real dense stand of lodge pole up on the ridge so we took the pickup up there to cut lodge poles. The stand was so dense you could hardly walk through it. the lodge pole were about 4" dia. and 20 ft high --perfect. We cut them at the ground and limbed them with an axe. soon we were dragging a whole mess of poles back to the creek. We formed them into a low tepee and started throwing on tarps and canvas cloth until the lodge was sealed tight. A bon fire was heating the river rocks while we built the sweat lodge. finally we all stripped and carried the hot rocks into the pit at the center of the tepee. then the leader started pouring ladles of water from a bucket onto the rocks. It was like hitting 20 naked people with a baseball bat we all headed for the deck. the heat was so intense no one could breath unless their nose was inches from the grass on the floor. Finally everyone just exploded out of the sweat lodge and headed for the cold mountain waters of Donovan creek. The rest of the day was in and out of the sweat lodge, the creek and laying in the grass. to be continued.

Just thought.

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 01:28:06 -0000

My personality is just one of those of deprivation and excess weather it is socializing, partying, drinking, eating, exercise, sleep, reading, writing, energy, spending money, depression, etc. I think it is natural though, I used to desire evenness balance in my life, but this is a different kind of balance. Obviously right now I am going out a lot and kind of having the roommate friend experience with B even though I would be happy just being here and not going out, the number of minds present naturally inspires activity. It seems all I want to do now is be in the world at night, I can;t get to sleep early I want the night sky the humid air which smells of fresh dirt and mist, it is truly glorious. I feel security in watch others as always, and looking at this life here always inspires new direction a new life that is possible a simplicity that can be grasped completely replicated perhaps something one could create if desired. Just that idea puts my mind at ease. How does one reach adulthood when they were left out in the trenches of worryless wonder and carefreeness intended to inspire but which in turn entraps one in confusion and looming pressure to decide to grow up to jump into a life you may not want. It takes a huge leap and unless gripped by passion grandeur confidence and direction then it just seems like a waste. It doesn't have to be like this, but it will work out because I missed a part of life that was important, I missed the reality of lives being lived of how people choose to exist, being normal. There is still joy in doing nothing productive for oneself or their life, but simply engaging in society as an insignificant part. I feel so satisfied in rejecting purpose right now, perhaps this is the wrong decision because before I came I was going in the entirely other direction, but I just want to develop as a human being and let myself out of the “Boulder bubble” it is not a consequence of the town it is something people who live there put themselves in and I am done with it. With that I am just going to live where ever makes sense Broomfield, Denver, Boulder I am going to work somewhere and make new friends and let the throws of excess and deprivation flow over me, let the seasons run through me, be exactly the way I want to be and breath deeply each day.

Here in Canada things are well, maybe I'll try this random sex thing, or try shooting something, we'll see.

<3

Calgary

Sat, 17 May 2008 18:40:57 -0000

It kind of stings when I country doesn't approve of your decisions. I almost didn't get into Canada because they didn't think should be visiting Brian David. They were like no that doesn't make sense... First there was this bitter old native American looking customs guy, he spoke softly and I couldn't really understand him he was just rude and I guess I didn't impress him because he fucking sent me to immigration there I talked to a girl which was easier and she freaking gave me the third degree. Asked me at least 50 questions, she apparently someone whom you knew for four months when they visited two years ago is not enough for you to visit them for 2 months, they also really wanted to know what I was doing here and I failed to think up good answers like hey that stampede thing... she's like yeah that's in July what are you doing until then and I had nothing granted this was at 3 pm I had been up since 5 had a terrible pre boarding experience that I can't even get into and I hadn't had time to get anything eat all day so I was being grilled while Brian and his brother are waiting for me and I'm ready to pass out. She is finally satisfied after I try not to lie toooo much (honestly the truth would have been really complicated so I was forced to lie a bit rather than gleam my life story which she probably couldn't comprehend as truth anyway) Then after I get my luggage which is waiting for me since everyone else on the flight had gone there was another woman who had to check my papers again and she questioned me again, asking if I was staying with family and I said said no but they are really close friends. Fuck, apparently you can't be young and reckless anymore.

Anyway it is interesting in Calgary there is a lot of country music and I'm staying in the country more or less, I'm not going to describe how it effects my psyche but there is a new kind of freedom in there. Everyone I have met has been really nice (save the customs people). I'm pretty sure in all areas tha I don't fit in and maybe it is childish desire for the mainstream the ordinariness which is lacking in Boulder and where it is has a looming grotesqueness that is hard to avoid. IT's as if there they are faking it while here there is a naïve purity about it.

I am still convinced of and obsessed with the confusion surrounding life, it is like I don't quite have the mental capacity to process it, not that it is complicated you know the answer might very well be 42 or something simple but I need more ram o a faster processor maybe if I were a Mac it would work out, clearly I am an old clunkier model. For the moment I am going to try push ups, that may help?

My parents seem to be nostalgic about me going to Calgary, I like their stories so I'll share.

my dad wrote I always have fond feeling towards Calgary because Ian Tyson has a horse ranch north of Calgary. He sings cowboy songs now but used to be part of Ian and Silvia who wrote and sang a lot of songs together like "Early Morning Rain" and "Someday Soon". They were popular when I was a ski bum in Aspen. Me and two friends drove from Aspen to Denver to hear them sing in Concert. one of the people I drove over with was a big Canadien guy who was skiing in Aspen. For money he used to buy old trucks in Colorado--I mean really old trucks 1948 ford pickups or 1952 Chevy pickups. Fix them up a little and then drive them back to Canada to sell. He could get $1200 for a $400 truck that he bought here in Aspen or Glenwood Springs in Calgary or Edmonton. He would drive them up and sell them then hitch-hike back to Aspen. The $800 would do him fine in "The Dorm" where we all lived for several months. He had a girlfriend who was a waitress and brought him back half eaten steaks every night so he never needed to buy food. He would just buy dope and ski then, buy another old truck and head back to Canada. Ski tickets were only $6.50 in Aspen but nobody would buy them. We all would just sleep in til 11 then walk over with our skiis to the parking lot. The tourist from Texas would all be tired by 11 and we would ask them for there tickets-If they were done. I also went to the concert with a girl named Kathy who was in Aspen recouperating from a car accident. Her face was slightly scarred but she liked to ski and worked as a waitress in the Swiss Chalet. I could not get Jennifer Bates to come with me although she liked Ian And Sylvia . She lived in the room next to Kathy but was a nice English girl and would just drink tea and never skied. We would sit in the dorm and talk about Scotland and England. It was 1967 and neither of us had met Charlie or visited Boulder much. We were in love with Aspen. Anyway, I digress, you should remember Ian and Sylvia, they were singing on the tape recorder the day you were born. The Doctor at Saint Mary's Hospital in Grand Junction had asked us to bring some music tapes we like to play while you were being born. It would be soothing during the stressful period. He had never heard Ian and Sylvia before but he liked them. Think back I bet you remember them playing. Anyway if you run into Ian on his horse ranch or in your travels around Calgary you can tell him he was singing when you were born.

Hey, maybe if they made deodorant that self warmed instead of being all cold I'd like it more, and why don;t they make good scents? Just a thought.

Shh

Thu, 15 May 2008 07:23:02 -0000

I whisper in your ear with the gentleness of a child, you don't hear because you are simply feeling he warmth and the slight wind within the subtle vibrations but you understand. It is like a kiss but even more delicate and it is returned with a smile. Like forehead kisses from butterflies I melt for the affection that doesn't tear into one's soul but just falls in though the gaping hole everyone else seems to avoid.

A few thoughts on Rev. Jeremiah Wright

Tue, 29 Apr 2008 21:44:21 -0000

I am a fan of Rev. Jeremiah Wright, maybe he is being an ass during Obama's campaign, which is obviously something I care a lot about, but then again Obama can now come out...Wright is wrong and I'm angered and saddened yada yada so maybe we can move on within the campaign, but it also saddens me that this is his stance.

Forgetting about Obama for a moment, Rev Wright isn't being particularly inflammatory, he is being a black pastor and sure the AIDs thing is weird, he may have been overbearing and ridiculous and enforcing this caricature of him. However, he is voicing a wound and a division in America that is completely ignored, and then when it comes up there is outrage. This is pretty sad, and reminds us that race and religion are huge areas of division and hatred in this country. How can we as a nation move on to issues of the environment, the economy, heath care, or simply improving the human race, if we ignore the anger of age old wounds and pretend that ignoring them will get rid of them. For a time this has been important, to allow the past to become so, but now it is time to let the past die for the sake of our children. We need to collectively acknowledge and allow the anger to pass through us and to stop picking at old scabs and actually let them heal. It is the leadership, the media, the intellectuals, the educated, the government and the schools that need to start creating change in this way. The country is basically saying sure, we are ready for a black president as long as he doesn't go to a black church or show a black identity, you must be fully “American” to be patriotic. Wrights view isn't fully true, the man comes across quite green, and I don't agree with him on many things, surely my perspective is vastly different, but his is immensely valuable at this time and place.

Coming back to Obama, I want him to win and I want him to embrace and acknowledge Rev Wright more than he has today. Obama went to his church for 20 years, and now he's saying this is a different man than the one I knew, this is silly, it is a contradiction. He is being forced, or perhaps in his own heart feels like abandoning this perspective and moving on and that this is the right thing to do, but if he doesn't win the nomination, and it is over this of all things, race relations in this country is going to move backwards or at least be uncovered as the painful state it may already be in. Which would be pretty tragic in my opinion.

Place.

Fri, 25 Apr 2008 19:19:40 -0000

So I was just sitting, watching, a beautiful house on Spruce. It is dark sky blue with brick down the side, a steep roof, and little construction workers (or perhaps big one's that looked little from my spot across the street). I like construction workers, I like the smell of construction sites, and I like the houses.

I was thinking about having a lot of money and that I could buy a huge plot of land with a tiny little house and do construction on it, endlessly. It would be very wasteful which is certainly the down side to this scheme, but it would give a lot of work to people. I could pay well and bring drinks to them and talk to them about their life and work, I could get them to let me help when I felt like it and learn lots of new things. We could be innovative and try out new products or techniques I could let new designers in and let them try their hand at the craft, we could create a beautiful functional, ever growing and changing space, always fresh and renewed, creative and practical. Eventually it would get too big for just me and my dog and cat , so we would start something with all these men and women, perhaps a school for learning the trade, the intricacies of house design from the inside and out.

I love how these workers over there all have a task, they have tape measures and hammers. The sounds are beautiful, but what I like most is their perspective, not of this home, but of this artifact. Climbing in and out of windows up the roof out the doors throwing away debris, bringing in lumber and materials, it is not living quarters to be bought and sold to families. It was something constructed, it can be taken down, changed, built up. It is as such, just land with looming constructs.

Anyway, we could start a school maybe for troubled youth and teach them these trades which take precision, math, honesty, timeliness, strength, creativity, dedication, and skill, in short, everything a person needs in this world. Eventually it would get so big that the school would expand maybe for gifted and troubled youth, either/or, or a combination of both. We'd grow and learn together and build and tear down and demolish and create. By the time I was old maybe just a house would be left, but it would be the best house I can imagine.

I want to start a band called Resale Damage!

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:23:11 -0000

I hate April... least favorite month by far. First of all, as I have said, it is a tease. Certainly considered spring, but not in the fuzzy bunny blooming flower kind of way, it is a violent struggle, windy and powerful, pushing in summer while winter holds on. You can die in the violence of the spring. One day it is 80 then the next day we get four inches of snow and this wouldn't be so bad if, first of all, I wasn't utterly sick of the snow, but mostly if this bipolar pattern didn't resonate within me in some kind of emotional hell. I don't really get seasonal affect disorder because once it is winter, I get it, I enjoy it, but this is just chaos. Last April I had a really cruel and violent breakup with my friend, it was one of the worst emotional experiences of my life in a lot of ways. This April has been filled with Lance's death, by far the most difficult loss I have had to deal with... it is really hard to describe to people who didn't know him but he was a true bodhisattva. I finally feel at peace with this and can now look back and smile with the gifts he gave. His smile was special, and he never got angry because he had this expansive patience for all people he met, and he treated all of them with respect. He just never left anyone behind, let no one fall through the cracks. He taught severe needs children in middle school, but his class was not only filled with severely disabled students they gave him any student at that school who needed a Lance, because he was like no other teacher, he knew every child could learn and every child could over come their problems. His humility, compassion and pure passion for life filled us all with strength and that is what was amazing. I have learned so much in the last 7 years and one of those things is the passion for understanding people who seem dumb or wrong, religious people, un-academic people, mean angry people, homeless people, even just generic people. I found it in me to have a desire to understand where they are coming from, to accept and engage in their language, be it about god and accepting Jesus in their life, to telling me they are libertarian ( : Some people's pessimism seems so clearly justifiable and yet I look at Lance and his idealism and I make that same choice, to believe in the potential of all people. Not to hide in individualism or monkdom like many try. I feel reaffirmed in that now, I feel his strength more than ever. He also found his soul mate and like she said she is not an unfortunate woman, their love for one another and their reverent respect for one another was so pervasive in their every interaction. Few find that and she was blessed. Some might say it was luck, but I know that it wasn't just luck, it was Lance and Jamie, and the way they lived moment to moment; of course they found each other. You can't settle for someone who doesn't respect themselves or others, you can love them and give them support, but long lasting relationships demand respect. You can watch couples for five minuets and know if they are not going to make it, just look for any sign of contempt. Ultimately you have to look up to one another, someone who makes you a better you, just by being themselves. It is beautiful to see. That is another thing about Lance he treated everyone like they were the person they wanted to be, he lead by example and more than telling someone to be a certain way ever can ever effect someone, he inspired those around him to be the best selves they can be. I remember feeling this way on so many occasions. I wish I had more chances to talk to him but I have to let that go now, I still get to know his kids and see them grow into amazing people in the face of everything, because that is what their father taught them.

This is the saddest thing I can remember reading.. Lance's mother after the memorial said "He was a good son, but I didn't realize he was so great." Wow, how sad. At the memorial the one person who was speaking and just compleatly broke down and couldn't do it, wasn't his wife trying to speak with a new titanium jaw and face, nor his remarkable children, but it was Lance's brother who you could just tell hadn't been as close to his brother as he now wishes. Jamies brother was more of a borhter to Lance his words were the most powerful and inspiring words of the day, sent chills down my spine, He is remarkable ( :

Show your love to people every day as though it were your last chance.

Some random thoughts:

I'm leaving in three weeks I am so nervous because I'm not sure it will work out, I don't have enough time, and there is the looming thought of when I get back... I need a job but I only will have a month until burning man and my brother wants me to live with him in Broomfield. He didn't get the house near my good friend and I hate Broomfield and I don't enjoy his girlfriend and I'm not sure how I feel about living in someone else's house. I like my own place... he is already asking me which bedroom I want ) : I hope it all works out. I think it will not sure I believe that thought though!

I think I want to go to UNC. What to study though?

I always eat oatmeal for breakfast, I like hot food. This morning I added a table spoon of chocolate protein powder. I knew it would go one of two ways but it was pretty amazing. ( :

In Memory

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 20:48:56 -0000

I am really quite upset. I just wanted to write something in memory of one of the most inspiring people I have ever met. Sunday Lance Melting died in a car accident. http://cbs4denver.com/local/interstate.70.accident.2.689717.html

He basically started My Kung Fu school by getting Shifu to start a class 13 years ago. he was an amazing father to 4 young kids his oldest Aaron is turning 13 this Saturday, he shared a Birthday with his father. Lance and his wife are both teachers, he taught special ed in Longmount. I can’t imagine a better teacher, father, husband or person. He inspired me so much and countless others. They were on thier way to Disney Land when a semi jacknifed in the snow killing him instantly, miraculously all of his children were okay and his wife while still in ICU is going to make it. I cant imagine a worse tragedy.

The last time I saw Lance was two weeks ago at the county convention I can still feel his hand on my shoulder...

I want to have a baby in an igloo named Neboo!

Sat, 29 Mar 2008 05:04:34 -0000

It is truly a cruel world when one gets the stomach flu on the first day of one's period. On Thursday I awoke with a very uncomfortable bloating feeling and stomach craps that just would not quit needless to say my plans of moving failed but I did have to baby sit which was the worst experience baby sitting not only because I had a terrible stomach ache which I still foolishly attributed to that feminine delight but the kids were particularly un-pleasent in so much as they wanted their mom and when she left and the baby woke up crying all I heard was screaming for a half hour until I called their mom and asked for a hasty return. Once I got home, things got worse I was supposed to work at IL on Friday just for the day of course I canceled around 10 that night as even though I prayed things would be all better by morning the night was spent sleepless with me moaning and screaming in pain, although my roommate probably thought I was just having a good time masturbating too much seeing as how he never asked if I was sick or anything. Anyway today was pretty sucky too. There is nothing quite as tortuous as having to go to the doctor when you are sick people look at you as though they don't realize that this is a doctors office and they ask if you are okay as though maybe you should go see the DOCTOR! Especially since my doctor for some reason is a family practitioner meaning she mostly sees families of small children who annoyingly littered the waiting room,as one woman with baby noted on the elevator “well you look mighty serious” I assume she was addressing me though she said it in a fucking baby voice and I scoffed off to the Lab for more fun. It took two painful hours and I she wanted a freaking stool ample which is really quite disgusting and cruel making someone play with their shit while in pain and quite nauseous. I mean it is stupid to go to the doctor just to aid in ones justification for being sick, but I placated my mothers worry so at least there is that. I took some probiotics which helped alleviate the stomach cramps but my head feels like it is about to implode and my insides feel like they have been shaken loose shredded and are just sloshing around inside of me with random jolts of pain. Anyway, I love writing tales of woe. I have to get up at 7 and move. Yay! I can only imagine what joys tomorrow will bestow.

My code name is flamingo.. ..nice bird

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 05:00:46 -0000

Walking down east Arapahoe into the sunset, jr bacon cheese burger and a six pack of cider in hand. So many lives to live. That was fun, me and Heather are fun people.

I painted lots of pink and polkadots Friday!

I am moving out of my apartment now. I like being alone, this is going to be hard.

My brother is looking to buy a house in Broomfield, he said he was going to make sure there are 4 bedrooms so I can stay with him if I want, that is kind of sweet. It is like we want to know each other but we just look at each other and see nothing human staring back. I don't think I would really enjoy living with him and Kim (who is Hillary delegate and mighty irritating). So I don;t think I will. Wow, I guess I'm a failure sister though, I have 20 months to get a good Job, a long-term girlfriend/boyfriend, and buy a house... at least I'm happy.

I can't wait to move to Calgary, that will be so nice, I need to escape, that's how I feel about it. I am going to escape to someone who wants to enter back in, run back to Boulder, to the people and excitement and all I want to do is go live in the country, and not even my own.

I got a ticket to Toast, but My car is lookin' kind of bad, I'd at least need to replace the windshield to drive to AZ and it might not get there plus the 200 dollars in gas, but then I looked at tickets to Calgary and the cheapest one is 389 but to fly from Denver to Phoenix to Calgary and back to Denver is 375, but then I'm stuck with no way to get to toast, no tent and I have to bum around in Phoenix for a few days. And I probably wont be able to bring a lot of burning man clothes ) : I suppose one can always rent things from walmart, although that is a bad thing to do and I could find a ride I am sure and a hotel would coast as much as gas but save my car... blah. Maybe I'll just keep the ticket and say I went. Maybe I can bring it to Apogea and say “shit, you mean this is the wrong burn! So.. .can I get in?

I hate deciding what to do I never know if it is right or not. Maybe I am just really selfish, and if I wasn't this would be easier.

My dad got tickets to see the Flames Avalanche game on Monday, I am excited since I've never seen a real hockey game before!

I love Anderson Cooper, and CNN because they have Anderson Cooper, he is what a good journalist should be.

Also give it up to Ze Frank who is awesome and started color wars on twitter http://colorwar2008.com/

People can be so amazing. You are so amazing.

Things I don't like to talk about for some reason.

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 15:07:25 -0000

I feel really beautiful and I don't think I've felt that way before. I have thought it before but never felt that way. I would like to say it was in a spasm of realization separation of self and clarity that lead to said event but unfortunately it was because of a guy. He's pretty special to me even though any kind of relationship couldn't work out but the fact that we both thought about that means a lot, from someone who I have had one of my few crushes on to like me back to get nervous to see me. People can tell you how beautiful you are day in and day out and a smile is all it receives, when someone shows you that they mean it expresses that to you someone you value who values you back it means something more. So my gratitude to this person.

On another unrelated note, I love men. I love then them so much, I mean emotionally, as friends, physically. Recently I heard a man say this about women and I was like yeah I love women too... but I rarely hear this sentiment about men. That's kind of unfair, Men rock, just thought I'd mention it

I feel like I'm changing.

Get Lucky.

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 14:43:47 -0000

My Camp from burning man was in town last weekend and perhaps my liver is a little mad at me, but I had a lot of fun. I just realized that it isn't that burning man is so great, I mean it is incredible, and there is no excuse not to go, but the thing for me is that I got so amazingly lucky because I have the best camp ever and I love them all so much. They are so wonderful, I wouldn't go to bm this year if it weren't for them, I coudn't go back for the fifth time if it was just for the experience. I have burned many different ways, this one is special. You want to get lucky too....

The Deviant Playground (yes, that's right folks - we are DP Camp) is looking for members. Please contact us soon if you are interested, we will need to get our final numbers and space needs to the BM Org. soon. Please see http://www.deviantplayground.org/ for contact info and other stuff.

The Deviant Playground – DP For Your Inner Child

Join us on our mission to exceed all possible levels of legal (or
illegal) deviance at BM08. The Deviant Playground is a chance to
experience your childhood all over again without the pesky
consequences. We'll even let you put gum in your hair.

What we got:
• Community shade structure and clubhouse
• A deviant lemonaid stand
• Kitchen
• A shower
• Evap pond
• Possible porta-potty
• trampoline
• see-saw

What we're doing:
• A number of off the playa events, its a year long experience!
• BRC slumber party
• Midnight picnic
• stuffed animal shelter
• A poly playa wedding
• button making
• body art photography

What we need:
Camp members who are WILLING to participate – This means you are
willing to bring a structure, plan an event that furthers our theme
or provide some sort of camp amenity. Camp members will also be
responsible for providing one group dinner while on-playa.
Participation is MANDATORY and if you show up on-playa sans your
contribution, you will be politely asked to camp elsewhere as soon as
open camping space is available. We intend to be a functional theme
camp and to that end, everyone must participate. Applications will
be reviewed by the Camp Assholes. Therefore, brown-nosing is
encouraged. If accepted into camp, you will be added to our camp
email list. Due to the adult nature of some of our camp activities
and the camp bar, we request that all applicants be at least 21 years
old.

Wow, I don't know that I even want to know me...

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 00:54:13 -0000

Wow I saw someone today I knew when I was a junior ranger, back when I had that big run in with the law, which is interesting because she mentioned how some of her friends our age still shop lift. That kind of scares me, when fifteen year olds talk about it I let it go because I understand the narcissism and the lack of control in your life, the pain and suffering that lets your maturing brain decide you deserve it, but 20 year old white girls who can afford to shop at Urban, that is scary. Anyway, this girl is starting to be someone whom I respect which is weird, she was in the camp of nice people whom you really can't connect with. Maybe I am superficial and the hinting at her being a lesbian peaked my interest more than anything. She remembered my old house and how sad I was when my parents sold it. I need more friends like her. Then again what I really want is friends who need me someone who will call me their filthy assistant and do stupid things in public. I am really racist, I sold my couch to people based on their name which was Middle Eastern. At first I regretted it because the guy sounded really creepy but yeah, total adorable Arab boys, and I was so incredibly pleased with myself.

I find myself trying to find things to say to people and it always ends up being something stupid like hey I can do a one handed cartwheel want to see? Or something meanish, like hey you know that shirt looks like an ugly vagina. Or something true, which is what I always want to say but it doesn't seem appropriate until I tell them about my hamster I killed in the third grade. These sentiments also come across as rude. What is an ugly vagina anyway? There is little social commentary on the subject. I have seen many vaginas but no indication as to their beauty Do women,lesbians, men, ect have different ideas on the subject? Is their litterateur about it somewhere? Have I really seen the appropriate varieties that are out there, I think there may be some bias in my sampling.. I wonder if my vagina is really ugly? I hope not.

I'm mad at someone who you can't get mad at. That is irritating.

These are just some thoughts from the day, I just had a day dream that my neighbor stoned my cat to death. Sometimes I just want to hear about the details of other people's minds and lives.

OObleck

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 18:52:38 -0000

There is a wall around my heart, it is made out of Borax and water and a little bit of green food coloring. Yep that stuff you made when you were the kid. That mysterious goo that feels hard when you poke it but then envelops you when you aren't even paying attention. It was in the fourth grade, the science room at the back of the school, hugged up against the foothills, Mrs. Weller casting shadows over us and Dr Seuss prose swimming in our heads. I made that shit and build a wall when no one was looking.

In regards to my blog last week, Oh on second thought, maybe you can cure cancer...
Derf.

No where to sit.
Derf.

Wow, I had heard of wiki racing before but never knew anyone who did it... maybe it is just a high school thing but man, serious fun. (if you don't know, it is where you pick a wiki page like Iceland and then pick something else like water bottles to which you have to get only by clicking the blue links in wiki pages)

Let's poeticize

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 07:22:08 -0000

Good poetry is like a song that sings to your heart and you have to love it, even if it reflects nothing you see inside yourself; you just know. Bad poetry is incredibly obvious because it hurts; walking against the grain of existence. It has meaning for only one, a lie that whispers to their heart alone. Perhaps it is not always a lie sometimes bad poetry can be perfectly true, true for them True in the truest sense but the lie comes in formatting why was this even written as a poem I often ask? If I have to ask there it goes and I have forgotten. Really it must be said though that poetry takes bravery takes trust in a reader in ones self for poetry can only be written as such it as all things comes in the service of truth and beauty. Anyway, I'm going to write more poetry, maybe I'll post it later bad or good. I don't want to be a poet for some reason but I just can't help it.

In case you were wondering this thought was inspired by some bad poetry I have been exposed to in the last few months and Marco's poetry which I finally read, and I think is very beautiful. (And can be found on his website http://zoosphere.com/archives/31)

I made soup mmm...

Mon, 18 Feb 2008 06:51:33 -0000

Tonight has been lovely, been huge, been verbose. I cleaned my couch that I plan to sell (with amonia) then was overcome by words, words I was saying, words I was speaking, and those I was thinking. I had to start walking just to stop the words from becoming constipated, trapped until my head exploded. I started walking towards people, towards the moon, just down the street, poeticizing in my mind philosophizing down the street, the forward movement allows for order, for thought to continue effortlessly. I got some water, which I decided needed to be dressed in glass so I got a Perrier, which is also fizzy, a rare treat because while I distinctly don't like fizzy water it is such a rarity considering my distaste it can be a treat in a new way, like an accessory, a beautiful variation or addition to every day life. It reminded me of going to Stu's house late one night with Genpo Roshi and Stu handing me an offering of fizzy water in a pink Nalgene bottle. What a fantastic gift. This is a gift. Every fantastic sight everything created by us, this life, it is such a gift. I was so grateful for walking for drinking for thinking for words and meaning symbols like those fantastic google chat hearts (which I considered for a good fifteen minuets strolling down the darkened street). I never liked the heart shape, bright red gaudy or bulbous ones, hot pink bubble gum colored ones. In school I never liked drawing them because mine were always thin and curvy. Google chat hearts are the perfect symbol for what I mean by a heart soft grey edge the charming animation, the soft pink that fills it in. I thought about words like comport, a great word, or hyperbolize which I decided I must do far less often. Hyperbole is like cancer on language these days. Cancer I decided is something we all get unless we die of something else first. People sometimes say you can never be cured of cancer, you simply go into remission until it "comes back" or you die of something else first, but it is that way for us all cancer is inevitable, love causes cancer. I heard on the news obesity it seems increases your risk of cancer as does most everything that is bad for you. I really don't want to hear anymore discussion on what causes cancer, life causes cancer the body inevitably degenerates and we die. We will all die which puts sort of an immediacy on things. Death will come how must we prepare? I walk around everyday constantly confused by a question, A question that if I even knew what it was might have an answer but alas I am just confused. And answering the question I know will be so joyous will make things easier and harder but it must be done now, for every moment I suffer, I get close to giving up, to wasting my life unable to move on, but abandoning it all to cope to learn to cope is to deny the mystery. I am stuck here, I need to do things I need to know what to do how shall I live? I can't even answer these basic questions as though the obvious, the answers that people exude all around me are what is inhibiting even asking. They lay ground for the confusion and doubt. I would almost prefer a retreat to a place where people are forced to start over where a lineage of thought and evolution is abandoned in order to forage anew. This place is existing now in my head. I wish I had someone I could just talk to who would understand the abstract simple notions I verbalize which make no sense. I hate it when someone is talking to me and I have no clue as to what they are getting at yet here I am doing just that. I went to Laughing goat as I have done twice this week for some reason. It is like I so completely disassociated and despised the place that it is now as if for me it exists far away from boulder, another city or time or realm to me where I can be anonymous once again. I of course saw Michael there but I guess he is the type who can travel to other realms as well ( : Gosh, I have a meeting with this therapist type person tomorrow whom my mom decided I should see since Sally and john and Cord have recommended her, but now I am thinking I should just tell her that I am utterly mad crazy to the extreme and yet quite averagely human as well. Anyway Laughing goat was populated perfectly I could watch people and think, though I had planned on reading Reza Aslan's book (he is one of my heroes now, brilliant man and sooo totally cute to be honest) I however could not focus I was writing poetry all the way there and really wanted to write rather that absorb someone else's thoughts. All I could do was stare at the words picking out ones I liked I also had transmetro but even the pictures weren't enough to keep my mind contained. I had no pen or paper so I asked for a pen, tried to write on an elephant magazine but the material was wrong and the words came too fast and my hand was shaking, luckily I had asked for decaf. I ended up drawing on the back of my check book and then my hand, a past time that got me through thousands of classes throughout my adolescence, starting when I was in 5^th grade. I will probably get cancer from it someday, but you already knew that.

The thing about writing in your head, a stream of thought that is so pure and meandering is that it can never be written down. Writing demands a judgement, further thought and consideration editing which undermines the sentiment undermines the confusion that is inherent in thought the irrationality embedded in our imperfect reasoning.. I'm not going to edit this, to read it over would put me through displeasentries and it won't ever get said. Don't make faces.

This day did not go as planned.

Thu, 07 Feb 2008 08:23:46 -0000

Happy New year.

I guess it stared out wrong, I was going to wake up at 700 and go sit for an hour at BCIl then get some new oil for may car and ar in my tirs and drop something off at a potential job but I couldn'r get up, I didn't want to leave my bed. At 1100i finally did but it felt wrong. I felt like crap. I did who knows what untill I had to g babysit and the kids were not in the best of moods. I left and did who knows what for teo hours then I went ot kung fu, it is chinese new years eve and I haven;t gone to my kung fu school in for class in more or less two years. I've been to performances but no class for various reasons even though it is very important to me. i had planned to go to the Buddhist temple in denver tonight as I lways do but who decided to show up for his first day back today too? none other than hassan monsouri who was my best friend until he decided hw couldn;t be firnds with me. he was a large part f why i quit and has also been gone about two years. Shifu said it was kosmic, i thought it was a sign I made the wrong decision. I didn't speak to him but decied against going to the temple since he was going. I felt hurt all over again and went home. I am supposed to go skiiing tomorrow but it might be a blizzard and I am soar and tired. I went trillogy just to do something for new years and got drunk whishing I was in denver unable to get into the back for a couple hours because I didn;t have five bucks. spent 18 dollars on alcohal in the mean time and speant new years alon again. Oh did I even have to mention Seth ditched me on the movie we were going to see, he got out of hatever too late. I hope i can get up in a few hours, I feel sick. a new day, a new year. hassan is the year of the rat, maybe I should concede it to him, just like Hillary should concede the dem nomination to Obama.

Oh, I did get into the back at trillogy eventually though, they let me in for free thanks to the nice atheist. Mr Garfield was painting and people were dancing, I was drunk and there was nothing chinese about it .

Gung Xi Fa Chai!

Untitled

Tue, 05 Feb 2008 08:38:11 -0000

Please vote today. This decision isn't about policy, to make a decision on insignificant differences is ignoring what it means to be a leader ignoring the stature of the position. Rather, it is about the ability to inspire hope, create change, unite people and bring the world into a better future. It is time to move on and move up. We need a new face that reflects the people of this nation. I believe there is only one candidate who is in the position to do this.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful and committed citizens can change the world. 'It's the only thing that ever has.'“